Monday, June 1, 2009

Perhaps a tiny ray?

Today was like yesterday, but in reverse. Yesterday, I started the day thinking things were going pretty well and planning to write a happy report, but then had a not-so-happy report to write by the end of the day.

This morning, I thought things were really terrible and that I was going to have to write a terrible, sad report today. But then we went to Kaesea’s vet and she had a lot of positive things to say. So now I’m feeling pretty good and writing a slightly-more-happy report.

I’ve been feeling for the past couple of days like Kaesea is a dam with leaks in it and every time we put our finger in one hole, another one springs. How can we keep filling all of these holes? This feeling has really been getting me down.

Kaesea’s doctor sees it differently. She thinks that maybe he has had the pancreatitis all along, but to a lesser degree that we could not see. Now that we know he has it, it explains the more difficult issues we have been having -- particularly, the inappetence and resulting weight loss. Now that we have a name for it, we can treat it. If we can treat it, perhaps Kaesea’s appetite will come back and he will eat and gain weight. Once he is stronger, then we can re-visit the issue of fighting his cancer.

Another point that she made is one that I knew, but maybe needed reminding of: Kaesea is a fighter. People think that I have gone to extraordinary lengths to keep Kaesea on this earth, but here is the other part of the equation: Kaesea has also gone to great lengths to stay. With that in mind, if I can continue to help him help himself, I will.

Part of my despair this morning was because, although I said yesterday that what really matters is that Kaesea is not in pain, there’s more to it than that. “Quality of life” does not just mean being pain free. Not when “pain free” = “zombie.” But his doctor suggested a lesser dose -- pain killers in cats take a great deal of tweaking to get just the right amount, so we are working on that. Nothing is simple, of course.

I made it clear to Kaesea's doctor today that I want to know if she ever thinks it is time to give up on him. And she made it clear to me that she would! But she said she honestly did not think it was time yet and that Kaesea should be given an opportunity to beat this new problem. So we're going to give him that.

Perhaps the best news to come out of Kaesea’s visit today was this: He gained weight! This is the first time that has happened in weeks. He weighed 9.44 last Wednesday, then down to 9.21 on Saturday [he was very dehydrated post-vomit] and today? Today he weighed 9.75 pounds! Wow!

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